BBS in a Box 3/BBS in a box - Trilogy III.iso/Files/Util/B/Bongo Bob302 Folder/More Bongo Bob/Fortune Files/Deep Thoughts/Bongo Bob Data

Text File | 1992-11-27 | 18.6 KB | 462 lines | [TEXT/MSWD]

$CWe interrupt this fortune to bring you a special bulletin:

This program is PhotoWare! If you decide to add Bongo Bob to your
software library, send a funny, outrageous, strange, wacky, weird,
or zany picture of yourself to:

Roby Sherman • P.O. 110177 • Aurora, CO. 80042

Your picture will be added to the "Bongo Bob Registered Owner's Collage"
which is currently on display at my apartment.

Thanks for your support! (Please click the mouse to continue)$M%%
One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I
was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.  "Oh, no", I said,
"Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he
thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
%%
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to
laugh at that man.
%%
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real
limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will
try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
%%
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no
music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
%%
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about
cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time for
no good reason.
%%
Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if
he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might
burn up.
%%
To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda
scary.  I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes
back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
%%
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit
those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
%%
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal
is not the lion or tiger or even the elephant.  The most
dangerous animal is a shark riding on an elephant, just
trampling and eating everything they see.
%%
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for
Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks."
I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway
department, but she started saying it was a joke-just to get
out of writing a simple letter.  And I thought I was lazy!
%%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness
about it that was very pleasurable-until I realized it wasn't a
nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD!!
%%
Once, when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I
met a mysterious old stranger.  He said he was about to die and
wanted to tell someone about the treasure.  I said," Okay, as
long as it's not a long story.  Some of us have a plane to
catch, you know."

He started telling his story, about the treasure and
his life and all, and I thought:  "This story isn't too long."
But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "'h-oh, this
story is getting long." But then, the story was over, and I
said to myself:  "You know, that story wasn't too long after
all."
I forgot what the story was about, but there was a good
movie on the plane.  It was a little long, though.
%%
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the
hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel
right off.  You see, we build to that.
%%
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful,
beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful
sunset?  And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and
also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.
And also, you're drunk.
%%
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the
best.  We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave
and every once in a while, he'd eat one of us.  Later we found
out that he was a bear.
%%
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch
onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it
off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
%%
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled
urination should automatically disqualify you.
%%
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls
off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck
him off right away.
%%
If you define cowardice as running away at the first
sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy,
then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
%%
The memories of my family outings are still a source of
strength to me.  I remember we'd all pile into the car-I forget
what kind it was-and drive and drive.  I'm not sure where we'd
go, but I think there were some trees there.  The smell of
something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we
played.  I remember a bigger, older guy we called Dad. We'd
eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home.
I guess some things never leave you.
%%
Blow ye winds
Like the trumpet blows;
But without that noise.
%%
I wish a robot would get elected President.  That way,
when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not
feel too bad.
%%
He was a cowboy mister, and he loved the land.  He
loved it so much that he made a woman out of dirt and married
her.  But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the
funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust," some people
laughed, and the cowboy shot them.  At his hanging, he told the
others, "I'll be waiting for you in Heaven-with a gun!"
%%
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must
have sensed it.  Probably, they gathered together one evening,
slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
%%
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open,
and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag
would be to pretend you were swimming.
%%
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a
little trick to calm myself down.  I'll go over to the person's
house and ring the doorbell.  When the person comes to the
door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch?  A
jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You."

After that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
%%
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out
every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old
board of his.  Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel
of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out,
"Tadpoles!  Tadpoles is a winner!"

We all thought he was crazy.  But then, we had some
growing up to do.
%%
The face of a child can say it all, especially the
mouth part of the face.
%%
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd
call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for
tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey
with our store.  On the other hand, we would not prohibit
tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a
tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
%%
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could
keep both Dracula and Superman away.
%%
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop
and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because
I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
%%
I remember that fateful day when Coach took me aside.
I knew what was coming.  "You don't have to tell me," I said.
"I'm off the team, aren't I?"

"Well," said Coach, "you never were really on the
team.  You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and
towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet.  You show up at
practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you
to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate
times."

It was all true what he was saying.  And yet, I
thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach.
He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can
mold.  But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
%%
If you saw two guys names Hambone and Flippy, which one
would you think liked dolphins the most?  I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you?  You'd be wrong though.  It's Hambone.
%%
When I heard that trees grow a new "ring" for each year
they live, I thought we humans are kind of like that: we grow a
new layer of skin each year, and after many years we are thick
and unwieldy from all of our skin layers.
%%
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to
me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
%%
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other
guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that
glove has been.
%%
It's too bad that whole families have to be town apart
by something as simple as wild dogs.
%%
Marta says the interesting thing about fly fishing is
that it's two lives connected by a thin strand.  Come on,
Marta.  Grow up.
%%
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life.
But now it was time to hang up the cue.  When he did, all the
other cues came crashing to the floor.  "Sorry," he said with a
smile.
%%
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to
bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that
tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.
%%
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit
that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of
strategy.  First, he punched me, then he kicked me, and then he
punched me again.
%%
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like
the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just
pretend like your eating it, but instead, put it all in your
lap and form it into a big mushy ball.  Then, later, when
you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake
cough and throw the ball to the ground.  Then say, "Boy, these
are good cigars!"
%%
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral,
which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by
common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
%%
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof
reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy
Texaco latrine.
%%
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a
very large shrimp.  That way, you could hide him, then, after
you camped at night, you could eat him.  How about it, science?
%%
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing
to ask is if they ever press charges.
%%
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from
a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying
down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like
they just woke up and go, "What was that?!"
%%
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was
waiting.  "That was fun," I said.
"You bet it was", said Nick.  "Lets climb higher."
"No," I said.  "I think we should be heading back now."
"We have time," Nick insisted.
I said we didn't, and Nick said we did.  We argued back
and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided
to head back.

I didn't say it was an interesting story.
%%
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first
date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill
you.
%%
Some folks say it was a miracle.  Saint Francis
suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the
fence.  But I think it was just a lucky swing.
%%
Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk,
because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
%%
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout
history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
%%
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion.  Truth is
real.  And, at the same time, unreal.  Fiction and fact and
everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all
rolled into one big "thing."  This is a truth, to me.
%%
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet
sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.  But then I think,
what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.  Then it wouldn't
seem quite so funny.
%%
You know what would make a good story?  Something about
a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe diarrhea.
%%
I bet a funny thing would be to go way back in time to
where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men,
"If I have to come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out
from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could
explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would get a good laugh.
%%
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go
fishing.  But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd
come back with some whore he picked up in town.
%%
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty
king, because I like people to do what I say.
%%
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk
in front of our house.  And I thought, I too am like that
snail.  I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if
you will.  But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective
substance.  Mine is made out of tinfoil and paper bags.
%%
A man doesn't automatically get my respect.  He has to
get down in the dirt and beg for it.
%%
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort
of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that
morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
%%
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your
underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words
have under in them, because that's probably the first sign of
jungle madness.
%%
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I
just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and
gargle, and I don't care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
%%
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion.  For instance,
let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that
your partner has been turned into Dracula.  The next time he
goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door
behind him and blast off.  He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
%%
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs
a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.  That way, they'd still
be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much.
%%
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman
in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the
ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
%%
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain
scientist, but he gets hit on the head and it damages the part
of the brain that makes you want to study the brain.
%%
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen
caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a
whole person.  They then cut the person open, and in him is a
little baby shark.  And in the baby shark there isn't a person,
because it would be too small.  But there's a little doll or
something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy or something like
that
%%
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having
Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at
Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.  They
eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them.
Man, wise up.
%%
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably
be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how
we take so much of it for granted.
%%
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But
we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is
what annoys me.
%%
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has
a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton
costume inside and the kind could put it on and really scare
you.
%%
If you had a school for professional fireworks people,
I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class.  It's
just too rich a subject.
%%
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you
could fly.  But they forget the negative side, which is the
preening.
%%
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of
carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron.
That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey,
look.  He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing,
and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron.  The soldering iron of justice."
Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed,
because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I
could probably hit them up for a free drink.
%%
When I think back on all the blessings I have been
given in my life, I can't think of a single one, unless you
count that rattlesnake that granted my all those wishes.
%%
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a
warlike, vicious people, because I bet a lot of high schools
would pick "Americans" as their mascot.
%%
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad.
And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey,
what's for supper?"
%%
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play
within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on
for the ride on your life.
%%
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most
things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's
wrong with little bits of cheese?  They probably break down
into their various gasses before they even hit.
%%
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you
use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress
the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they
think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
%%
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle
a big crack in the ground and if it opens wider, go "Woah!
Woah!" and flail your arms around, like your going to fall in.
%%
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot
somebody, like a lot of people do.  Instead, try to get some
weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
%%
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a
scared rabbit.  Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was
running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
%%
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they
choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there
are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
%%
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up
where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant
into your buttocks and start yowling and running around,
Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would
say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
%%
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an
icy river to save a solid gold baby?  maybe we'll never know.
%%
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should
just call them "impressions," and if you got a different
"impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
%%
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure
hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
%%
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is
a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because where does he
think he's going?!
%%
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my
lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way,
they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever
created by Man.
%%